It's Christmas Eve! One of the most exciting nights of the year for lots of people. I, for one, am excited. I love Christmas. Every year I think maybe this will be the year that I don't really love it as much as I used to. Maybe I'm just getting a little too old for this. And every year I prove myself wrong. Actually, I am more in love with Christmas this year than any year I can remember. I just can't get enough of all the lights and music and candles.

This was actually from last year...but it still looks the same!!

It's kind of funny because I really thought this would be the year that I might want to not celebrate it as much. I thought this would be the year that I kind of poo-pooed it. It's not like we really have a lot to look forward to. Almost all of our friends have moved away. Our families live 3,000 miles away and it's been a tough year for me in general.

But maybe that's why I'm loving it so much this year. The lights, the music and the cozy home feeling I created is so comforting to me right now. It makes me happy and that's why I think I'm really loving it so much. 

On another note, I really didn't want to mention anything about politics in this blog post because it's Christmas and because frankly I'm so tired of it, but Nate's mom shared this podcast with me and I've found it very helpful. It's called Advice from Mom. A woman, and her mom, who is a therapist, take listener questions about their emotions and feeling about the president elect and his decisions. 

Honestly, just listening to her mom's voice is calming, so when she starts diving into our reactions toward politics, it feels very reassuring. Her advice is wonderful too. For about two weeks after the election I, like most people, felt like we had suffered a huge loss. It felt for me, almost like 9/11. I was feeling so many emotions, I couldn't focus and I would just click aimlessly around different news sources on the internet hoping to find some little glimmer of hope that maybe this wasn't really happening. She addresses those feelings in the first episode and was very reassuring that those feelings were totally normal.  That what we're feeling now is also very normal and she goes on to give advice on how to channel those feelings into positive outlets.

So, if you are still feeling lost, and I know I am, maybe listening to this podcast might help.

Well, I'm going to go sit in my living room, enjoy my Christmas tree, my dog, my boyfriend and I'm going to watch something festive. I hope that everyone can find some peace and light the next few days.

What a week it's been. There's been so much heartbreak. I feel emotionally and physically drained. I don't want to be silent about how unjust it was for those two black men to be shot by cops for a routine traffic stop. I understand that my white skin affords me the privilege of never feeling afraid of being harassed, or even killed, by cops. It also allows me privileges in many other areas of my life.

I know that I must be a comrade to the African American community and I'd like to think that I am. I also know that there are things that I can work on in my life, and thought process, to become more anti-racist.

It does feel awkward to address these issues. I don't want to feel white guilt. I don't want to feel like because of my white skin I can swoop in and help people of color fight racism. I don't want to say the wrong thing.

But I do want to open up the discussion of racism. I do want people to know that I don't believe in the #AllLivesMatter movement. I do believe that Black Lives Matter and I want it to be more than just a hashtag. I do want equality and justice for everyone. I do believe in no justice no peace.

I don't want to see people killed anymore. It seems more and more like we're at war with each other. I don't have any answers or solutions, I just wanted to add my voice to the discussion and let people know where I stand.

Thanks for reading.

By now we've all heard the news about Orlando. We've all said our thoughts on Facebook and changed our profile pictures. We've said what we've had to say on Twitter and on various blogs. For me, most of my friends and followers are stricken with sadness and anger and frustration. I'm all those things too.

I just don't know what to say about things like this anymore. Sometimes I feel like saying nothing on social media is best for me. I feel like maybe those who follow me and who are my friends already know that I'm heart broken about the situation. I know for many people it's a showing of solidarity and mourning by posting their thoughts and memes on social media, but for me silence and reflection work best.

It's been more than 24 hours since this horrific act of violence has happened. I've had a chance to process it. I still don't have the words to express my grief, sadness, frustration and anger. I know this will happen again. I know that the chances of even more lives are greater now. I know that processing this kind of act is something that we will all have to live through again and again because it doesn't seem like any real changes are being done to stop it.

I feel like all I can do right now is hope that it doesn't hit too close to home...

I will always choose love over hate. 

xoxoxoxoxo