I lost most of my tooth yesterday and I'm feeling very self conscious about it. I've had a crown on that tooth since Obama was first elected. It started feeling loose on Sunday and I was really worried it would fall off. I called and made an appointment for yesterday and in the process of removing the crown, the whole tooth came with it. 

I literally have nightmares about things like this happening. One tooth falls out, then another and another. Soon my cheeks are filled with my teeth and all I'm left with are gaping holes in my gums. I always wake up in a panic and run my tongue along my teeth to make sure they're still there. 

I wanted to cry in the dentist chair when my dentist told me what had happened. "It's just gone? You can't glue it back in?" 

"Unfortunately, no, and you still have part of it in your gums and it will have to be surgically removed."

So here I sit. The first person I had to talk to sans tooth was a very nice OPB man who came to my door asking if I'd like to renew my membership. I was so embarrassed by my mouth that I mumbled yes, and when he tried to make small talk with me I just smiled dumbly. 

Why is something so small making me feel so insecure? 

So I decided that I would embrace my toothlessness. I would be brave with this. I would walk confidently out in the world with my toothless face and not give a damn about what people would think.

And then I had to go to the grocery store....

Being that confident about yourself is not easy.  It's really, really hard.

I'm hoping it gets easier because I have several weeks before I'll be able to get a replacement tooth. I've been thinking a lot about other people and that some go through a lot worse than just a missing tooth. I remembered a woman I used to see walking in my neighborhood, when I lived in NW Portland. I'd only see her walking around at night, with a hood up over her head. I tried saying hello to her once, but she refused to make eye contact with me. I then noticed that she was covered in large bumps all over her hands and face. I've always remembered her and I wonder if she still walks around at night in that neighborhood.

So yeah, in the grand scheme of things, a missing tooth isn't all that bad. At least it isn't one of my very front teeth...

It finally happened, folks. Trump was sworn in as the 45th president and he hasn't wasted much time getting to work. He's trying to repeal the ACA, he's going ahead with the DAPL, he's trying to defund Planned Parenthood and he's banned international abortion counseling. He's also issued a media black out at the EPA stating they cannot publish or release anything on their social media site. There is also a suspension to any new business activity there. Things seem to be happening at a break neck speed.

I'm trying to stay focused. Limiting my social media intake. I'm trying to take a step back from things I read and ask myself if it's really real. I'm also taking a step back and asking myself if he, or his team, really have the power to enforce any of these things. I hope in all my hopes that they don't. I hope with all my hopes that the senators, that work for us, hear our voices and stand up to this person and say no. 

I'm also reminding myself of the good in the world that still exists. Remembering the amazing Women's March on Portland this past Saturday. People, it really was incredible. They estimated that 30,000 people would take the streets of Portland. They were so wrong. 100,000 people showed up in the pouring, cold, January rain, including myself and Nate. We didn't have signs, we didn't have pussy hats, we just came to march and I'm so glad we did.

And it wasn't just in our city. Large cities all over the country took part in this. More than 2 million people marched!! That's really amazing and encouraging. 

For the first time in months I didn't feel so alone in my anger and sadness. I saw thousands of  people who felt just like me. People of all backgrounds were out in the streets with hilarious signs ("Free Melania") and sobering signs (a drawing of a wire hanger that read "Never Again.") I felt like I was part of something and I've been trying to hold onto that feeling ever since. 

I am not going to succumb to this fear. I am however going to stay angry and I'm going to continue to resist this administration. I hope you do too!